There has been talk recently in various social circles (both real and virtual) about drama and conflict. Having had some experience and training in handling and resolving conflicts I thought I'd make some general thoughts about the subject. Also, update for blog, hooray ;)
First, I like to split conflict into three levels; avoidance, management and resolution. They represent the various levels of conflict we encounter in life and how advanced the conflict has become. For this post, I'll only handle the first two levels, since this is where it's easier to generalize about conflicts (and it's getting late and I want this posted before bed :p). I'll add a new post at a later date about conflict resolution if I find there is any interest for it, or if I just feel like I need to finish it for myself.
One short disclaimer; all of the below assume that we are dealing with reasonable and relatively mature people. Most of this stuff won't work on 4chan for instance, or on people that are looking for trouble and have made up their minds that trouble is you. This ain't a guide to avoid conflict, it's just some general tips to maybe avoid some of it and maybe keeping Drama down to a manageable level in your social and virtual communities :)
Avoidance:Avoidance is just what it says on the box; avoiding conflict. The easiest way to avoid conflict is to never leave your room, pay all your bills on time and avoid all social contact. But since that isn't really a feasible way to live your life (virtual or physical) some steps need to be taken to avoid or at least lessen the number, of conflicts we get into.
One way to avoid conflict is to identify it ahead of time and then choose a different path that leads away from the source of conflict.
For example; you're walking along the sidewalk in a big city and spot a group of (what appears in your mind as) troublemakers. The easiest way to avoid getting into a situation that might be uncomfortable here is simply to go another way, or cross the street. It's simple, and it's also effective. Very few people will start following you across the street just to bother you, and if they do they probably have something more sinister in mind than making your day a bit more uncomfortable. One thing to bear in mind here is that choosing a different path or crossing the road should not appear to be a direct result of sensing the people you want to avoid.
This route also works in virtual life; if you see a poster or forumthread that you get upset about, from an obvious troll or just something that you expect will lead into an argument;
just leave it alone. This might be hard, because it might be something that offends you or something that you feel strongly the need to defend. But in knowing that you can end up in a conflict, you have the option of not getting involved. So take a few minutes, think about if you rally want to get aggravated over this issue, and only then reply.
Management:Ok, so you've gotten into some sort of conflict. A confrontation of some sort, maybe it's with another member of your online community or maybe a stranger on the street that you bumped into by accident. First things first; don't panic! This is still manageable, and the first thing to do is lower, or at least not increase, the level of conflict. There are several ways to do this, some are more suitable in some situations than others. The important thing to remember is that every situation is different, and what works for you one time might not work for you another time. Becuase of the vast array of tactics and situations that you might encounter here, I'll try to lay out some general tips on things that might be helpful to keep in mind.
1. Keep it local. By this I mean that you should try to keep the conflict from escalating into something that's bigger than the already involved parties. This is why security and police are taught to separate the lead figure in a group from the others, it creates a private space where you can have a conversation without either having to prove something for anyone else.
Example: If you have a problem with a person in your social circle, or maybe at work try to solve the issues at the lowest possible level. Speak to the person involved and try to explain what the issue is. You'd be surprised how often this works, and it just might be that the problem that you're having isn't something the person is even aware of doing. This way, with no others involved, the conflict stays private, and no one has anything to prove to others watching.
For virtual communities the same principle applies; keep it private between the ones involved. There is no faster way to resentment and Drama (with the capital letter) than making a big fuss over it in a public setting. Sharing issues with a whole community that does not involve the whole community is a good way to get someone defensive and so increase the level of conflict experienced. A private message to the parties involved might be a much better solution, and since it's private you avoid creating a situation where the involved parties feel attacked and thus feel they need to defend themselves.
2. Apologize. Yes, this works. Even if it's not your fault, if it's not a big thing just say sorry. It solves many issues, and it's conflict dampening. Hell, even if you're in a situation where you can't back down (such as a bouncer or doing control of tickets on public transport) apologizing can make a big difference. It does not have to be a sincere from the bottom of your heart thing, but just the words "I'm sorry" can be enough to keep things contained to a level where it is manageable and where one can hold a civil conversation.
3. Somewhat related to point 2 about apologizing and something that also touches into the third category of conflict (resolution), explaining your position can be a big help in keeping something from blowing up. Normal, reasonable people are often willing to concede points if explained from another viewpoint. But, this does mean that you have to be able to explain the situation in a way that makes it understandable to the other involved parties. Making sure that your explanation does not involve assumptions that are logical in your mind will go a long way to making yourself understood.
4. In the same vein you should try to understand what the other person means when he/she says something. Maybe the conflict revolves around a simple misunderstanding, or maybe there is some deeper fundamental difference than can not be reconciled by simple discussion. If you come to a point where the conflict is based on arguments that can not be reconciled it is time to move on. This is important, since it requires a clear head and the ability to concede an argument or conflict. If you can't get anywhere, then just walk away from it and explain that this is what you are doing because you see no way to agree. In short, be the bigger man/woman.
